I feel most alone when in a big crowd.

It's true.  I think the fact is, I am lonely, but when I am by myself or with my family, I don't know it.  But when in a large crowd, it is glaringly clear. 

I think that over the years of pastors wiving (is that a word?) I have been burned by most of the relationships that I bothered to cultivate.  In the church.  Those outside, they thrived.  Weird, isn't it.  How the one place I should feel safe and belonged is the one place I am most wary of making relationships.  And it is the place that dominates my life.  The church is our life.  And I love it.  Yet I feel alone.