Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Today as I was spending time with the Lord, I was perfectly fine wallowing in my pity party.  I do not like what I am having to go through with my mom.  I really don't want to share it with people.  I want to save her dignity as much as possible.  But in keeping it in, I feel alienated.  This road I am walking is teaching me many things.  The main point is learning dependence on Him.  Trusting Him.  Letting go of control.  Walking into the future, now knowing what but knowing Who.

Knowing that a pity party is not where I needed to spend my energy today, the Lord brought to mind the story of Mary as she poured the jar of oil on the Lord.  My friend Elisabeth shared about this much more eloquently than I would.  Check her out at servantgirlsheart.blogspot.com  Anyway, I was walking and praying and crying.  I was thinking about Mary, how alone she must have felt as people mocked her, despised her, ridiculed her decision of worship.  Jesus knew how she felt.  He heard the people.  And he came to her rescue.  He came to her rescue.  Then this song flooded my soul:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

O, How He loves us
O, how He loves us
How He loves us oh

We are His portion
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
Then heaven touches earth like an unforseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside my chest
And I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about

O, How he loves us
O, How he loves us
How He loves us

And suddenly, I am at peace.  My father is jealous for me.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I feel most alone when in a big crowd.

It's true.  I think the fact is, I am lonely, but when I am by myself or with my family, I don't know it.  But when in a large crowd, it is glaringly clear. 

I think that over the years of pastors wiving (is that a word?) I have been burned by most of the relationships that I bothered to cultivate.  In the church.  Those outside, they thrived.  Weird, isn't it.  How the one place I should feel safe and belonged is the one place I am most wary of making relationships.  And it is the place that dominates my life.  The church is our life.  And I love it.  Yet I feel alone.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I lost my dad 17 years ago.  I was 21.  I miss him more now than I did then.  I miss that he would have been gaga over my kids.  He would have been the best grandfather.  I miss that my kids never knew him, only of him.  I miss that my mom has been alone all these years, and we are now getting ready to deal with something that my dad would have been a huge source of strength through.  I miss that he is missing my better days.  I was such a self-absorbed person back then.  I miss the advice I know he would give me.  I miss that he hasn't seen my marriage and life grow to what it is today.  I miss that I didn't get to see what Christ was going to do in his life.  I would have loved to see him serve in the church.   There are days that he just springs to my mind and tears cloud my eyes, and I just miss him.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Haiti.  It's on everyone's mind and blog today.  We can't fathom the devastation, in a country already struggling so much, and now this.  For many reasons, this resonates within me:
1.  Our church started a church in St. Ard
2.  We have been to Haiti numerous times on medical missions, to care for the orphans, to help them build a bakery, to worship with them, serve them.
3.  We had a team that was supposed to go again on the 22nd.
4.  Barb and Darren adopted sweet Moise 2 years ago, after a 3 year wait.  The change in him has been phenomenal.
5.  Rousseau's whole family is still there, he has not heard from them.
6.  Junior and Gethro's whole family is still there.  Their dad, Pastor Jean Marie, is the pastor of the church we started.  They are all fine, but the road to St. Ard is destroyed.
7.  Wendy's family is there.  He has not heard from them.
8.  Phil's brother and his family died in the earthquake, along with several uncles and other family members.  He and Debby's daughter Beth was in Port Au Prince during the earthquake.  Amazingly, she escaped with just cuts and bruises.
9.  Sweet Sis. Phyllis, giving her life to the orphans there.  She is fine, as are the kids, the building sustained some damage.  

With all of this, what will happen to Haiti?  How will any supplies get to St. Ard and the like when the roads are demolished?  Where will all of those people live?  How will Haiti recover?  Will Haiti recover?  I do not have the answers to any of these questions.  But the God I serve is not surprised by what happened in Haiti on Tuesday.  The God I serve is fully capable of bringing people together to rebuild Haiti, possibly better than it was before.   So as I sit here, heart breaking at what is going on, I have to rest in the knowledge that my God is able.

Monday, January 11, 2010

So, I'm in Numbers, and I am reading along and the Israelites are still complaining and whining.  Then God comes on the scene, and later he is talking to Aaron.  Now, I know Aaron is a Levite, and they are not to gather land or anything.  But God says something the Aaron that spoke volumes to me today.  In Numbers 18:20, he tells Aaron, You won't get any inheritance in land, nt so much as a small gift of ground:  I am your plot of ground.  I am your inheritance.

Did you get that?  I am your plot of ground, I am your inheritance.  Even back then, God wants dependence on Him.  Even back then, he wants us not to worry or scheme or fret.  He is our plot of ground.  He is our inheritance.

That has resonated in me all day.  We are not far from the Israelites.  We whine, we grumble, we wish for what was when our current situation isn't what we think it should be.  Even when what was was worse than what is.  God hears it all.  He hears us wishing for what we don't have.  And He wants us to recognize that He is our plot of ground, our inheritance.  Be satisfied in Him.  Be content with what He has given us for this time.  He wants to be all that we need, He is all that we need, we just refuse to recognize it.

Lord, help me remember that You are my plot of ground, You are my inheritance.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I started this blog with an idea of journaling my trip Through the Bible in 90 Days.  While I may blog some about that journey,  the past few days have given me something else to process through.  My mom is beginning a season in her life that is scary for me.  She has been experiencing major issues with her short term memory, to the point where we have made an appointment for evaluation at The Center for Healthy Aging in Indy.

I am scared, mad, worried, heartbroken.  In a nutshell, this just stinks.  I lost my dad to the horror of cancer, my mom is all I have left (besides Joel and my kids).  I do not want to lose her like this.  I do not want to lose her inside of herself.  I do not want my kids to see their grandmother come to the point where she does not know them.  I do not want to go through this season.

My usual response to stuff like this is to retreat, denial is my friend.  Not really.  This verse came to me this morning,    Psalm 94:18-19,  "When I said, 'My foot is slipping, your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."  It is easy for me to feel my foot slipping.  If worry were a spiritual gift, I would have scores through the roof.    But this verse grounds me.  I need that support the Lord can give.  I need that consolation that brings joy in spite of......