Cancer.  The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.  I do not understand the hos and whys of it.   I am really struggling right now.  Here are my honest, raw thoughts.  Warning, if you have this perfect picture of a pastor's wife in your mind right now, how she would respond, you may not want to read the rest of this post.  I don't want to hear how you had cancer 21 years ago, and look at you know.  I don't want to hear how you prayed a double anointing over someone and their tumor disappeared.  I don't want you to ask how I am doing, or how my mom is doing.  She has cancer, she has Alzheimer's.  She is not doing well.  She dissolves into an anxious, tearful person often.  This is not my mom.  I am an only child, with one parent left on this earth.  I am not doing well.  I dissolved into an anxious, tearful person daily.  Honestly, I don't want anyone to assume I am trusting God with the outcome of this.  I am a realist.  I know that realistically, my mom's days on this earth are few.  My dad had a year.  I don't want anyone to offer to meet me to pray.  I am just not there yet. 

I know that God is sovereign.  I know that He is not surprised by this stuff going on right now.  I know that he has my mom and I in the palm of His hand.  I know all of this.  I will come around to everything above.  Right now, I am angry, I am scared, I can't see or fathom how any of this will work out for our good.  But deep down I know that He is Lord.  I have that foundation that He is my rock, my fortress, my shield.  I just need to find my way to where I can believe it and claim it.