Cancer. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I do not understand the hos and whys of it. I am really struggling right now. Here are my honest, raw thoughts. Warning, if you have this perfect picture of a pastor's wife in your mind right now, how she would respond, you may not want to read the rest of this post. I don't want to hear how you had cancer 21 years ago, and look at you know. I don't want to hear how you prayed a double anointing over someone and their tumor disappeared. I don't want you to ask how I am doing, or how my mom is doing. She has cancer, she has Alzheimer's. She is not doing well. She dissolves into an anxious, tearful person often. This is not my mom. I am an only child, with one parent left on this earth. I am not doing well. I dissolved into an anxious, tearful person daily. Honestly, I don't want anyone to assume I am trusting God with the outcome of this. I am a realist. I know that realistically, my mom's days on this earth are few. My dad had a year. I don't want anyone to offer to meet me to pray. I am just not there yet.
I know that God is sovereign. I know that He is not surprised by this stuff going on right now. I know that he has my mom and I in the palm of His hand. I know all of this. I will come around to everything above. Right now, I am angry, I am scared, I can't see or fathom how any of this will work out for our good. But deep down I know that He is Lord. I have that foundation that He is my rock, my fortress, my shield. I just need to find my way to where I can believe it and claim it.