Cancer. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I do not understand the hos and whys of it. I am really struggling right now. Here are my honest, raw thoughts. Warning, if you have this perfect picture of a pastor's wife in your mind right now, how she would respond, you may not want to read the rest of this post. I don't want to hear how you had cancer 21 years ago, and look at you know. I don't want to hear how you prayed a double anointing over someone and their tumor disappeared. I don't want you to ask how I am doing, or how my mom is doing. She has cancer, she has Alzheimer's. She is not doing well. She dissolves into an anxious, tearful person often. This is not my mom. I am an only child, with one parent left on this earth. I am not doing well. I dissolved into an anxious, tearful person daily. Honestly, I don't want anyone to assume I am trusting God with the outcome of this. I am a realist. I know that realistically, my mom's days on this earth are few. My dad had a year. I don't want anyone to offer to meet me to pray. I am just not there yet.
I know that God is sovereign. I know that He is not surprised by this stuff going on right now. I know that he has my mom and I in the palm of His hand. I know all of this. I will come around to everything above. Right now, I am angry, I am scared, I can't see or fathom how any of this will work out for our good. But deep down I know that He is Lord. I have that foundation that He is my rock, my fortress, my shield. I just need to find my way to where I can believe it and claim it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Seriously. That should be the title of my blog. I am at a place where I just wish there were someplace to crawl under and hide. In the past month, my mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and just yesterday had a biopsy of a mass in one of her breasts. Seriously. As if the stress of being a pastor's wife isn't enough. As if being in the ministry isn't going to send me over the edge one day. Now I am watching my mom, the only family I have besides my great husband and kids, deteriorate before my eyes. I am seeing her go from a strong, independent woman to an unsure, anxious person. And I hate it.
Posted by Alyson at 12:43 PM
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
It saddens me to see people become discouraged by the church because some people are merely religious and not Christ-followers. When did we ever get the idea that the church exists for us? We, the church, exist for those in the world, and if we act no different or worse than they do, why would they want to change? And pastors leaving the ministry or not even going into it because of the lack of respect and dignity given them or the discouragement of seeing how the "religious" can ruin a church just saddens me.
Posted by Alyson at 7:46 PM